so lately ive come to find how fucking depressing this world is. the other night i watched this special on vh1 about aids. ashley judd and india arie were over in africa helping out and trying to inform people and encourage them to get tested and i cried nearly the entire time. i feel so insignificant. so useless. i know i could be helping somehow, but i feel like giving money isnt the type of help i want to contribute. i would rather inform people and let people know that they are important and not everyone chooses to look away and leave them undisturbed. ashley judd was trying to get an hiv positive person to interview on camera and she was having a hard time. when she finally found one she hugged the woman and the woman asked, "you arent afraid to hug me?" how unbearable. to live the last year of you life believing that people are afraid that youre contagious. but thats exactly how it is. people dont want anything to do with any type of epidemic. people reject and shield themselves from the feelings of depression and hopelessness and guilt that come from learning of other people's dilemas. if one doesnt know about any of the horrible plagues of the world, be it aids, poverty, rape, war, one cant feel compelled to help and then guilty when one doesnt help. in ignorance we can feel compelled to read celebrity gossip magazines and spend money loosely instead of spending time, money, emotional effort on the things that could potentially change the world, if not the life of a single person. i just feel defeated and i havent even tried to defeat this epidemic, this feeling. i dont know how long i can run my mouth about feeling useless before it becomes...well, useless, a waste of good potential energy that could be used in the actual cause.